The U.S. Attorney’s Office for the District of Columbia moved to dismiss all charges Monday against Olympic decathlete David Hearn, ending a month-long prosecution that had accused him of slashing the newly renovated Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool with a box cutter.
The motion, filed at the direction of Captain Sharts-a-Lot’s handpicked U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro, admitted that the 30-foot tear discovered in June was not the work of a saboteur. It was, according to the filing, “the result of a rushed and botched installation by AIC, the primary contractor.”
That finding directly contradicted the former president, who had spent weeks insisting that a vandal had “cut it up with a box knife” in a “terrible” act of destruction. His own Justice Department buried that story in a 20-page legal filing, quietly acknowledging that the $2.8 million pool renovation had simply been executed with the structural integrity of a gas station Slurpee.
“The government received new evidence indicating that the damage was caused by improper installation of the pool’s lining,” the motion read. It did not specify what the new evidence was, but sources inside the Department of the Interior suggested it was “the undeniable reality of gravity and water pressure.”
Hearn, who had faced up to 10 years in prison for damaging government property worth more than $1,000, was never considered a flight risk. At his initial arraignment, prosecutors argued he was a danger to the community because he “knows how to jump over things.” That argument was apparently less convincing once their own expert witness admitted the liner had been attached with what was described in a sworn affidavit as “the waterproofing equivalent of a hoping and a prayer.”
“We remain fully committed to protecting public monuments, even from the contractors who install them,” a DOJ spokesperson said in a statement. “Our office will continue to investigate any wrongdoing, particularly if it involves sharp objects we can’t get our hands on.”
A spokesperson for AIC declined to comment, citing ongoing litigation over a separate project in which the company installed 400 feet of handrail inside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. Those rails were later found to have been affixed with adhesive caulk purchased from an Instagram ad.
The reflecting pool was refilled Wednesday. A National Park Service official confirmed that a standing order for replacement box cutters has been canceled. The warranty on the liner, he noted, does not cover “presidential vanity projects designed to distract from a 34 percent approval rating.”
