A new internal polling adjustment removes the former president from all negative data, leaving the party solely responsible for a collapse that is somehow still his fault.
Officials say lack of objectives allows for 'maximum strategic agility' in conflict with no end.
The Pentagon dismissed missile shortage reports as 'fake' while issuing emergency resupply orders.
Dr. Erica Schwartz is confirmed after senators hold Fauci in contempt for telling the truth, setting an ominous tone.
Administration officials confirm that job security for the Defense Secretary now hinges solely on the president's personal comfort, not war outcomes.
Emergency rally scheduled, internal polling declared flawless, and party leaders explain that a candidate's home life is 'outside the scope of governance'.
The loss of an obscure Tennessee congressman has forced conservative theologians to revisit core doctrines of MAGA infallibility.
Quiet guidance allows insurrectionists to collect damages for 'line-of-duty' injuries.
Prosecutors drop charges against Olympic decathlete after discovering 30-foot tear was caused by botched installation, not anti-American vandalism.
White House touts the mass flight of career attorneys as a successful thinning of bureaucratic deadwood.