ARLINGTON, Va. — The White House confirmed Tuesday that the Veterans Day address at Arlington National Cemetery was not a memorial ceremony but a quarterly earnings review for United States military operations.
The address, delivered by Dickhead Donny before an audience of veterans and rows of white headstones, skipped the customary tribute to the fallen. Instead, the former president offered revenue projections, praised foreign oil extraction, and explained that war costs can be recovered many times over.
Before the ceremony, the former president posted on social media about a sexual harassment lawsuit settled by his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He complained that The New York Times had omitted an important fact. The suit did not involve him personally, he wrote. It involved his club and his lawyer. This was his Veterans Day message to the nation.
A transcript released by the White House shows the former president recounting how a Green Beret, Ryan Hendrickson, was injured in Afghanistan in 2010. He described the injury as "a mistake that people understood" before moving on to the business case for continued military action.
"The president was not minimizing sacrifice," said Margo Velle, director of the newly formed Office of Ceremonial Return on Investment. "He was honoring veterans by showing them that their service produced measurable gains. To the victor belong the spoils, as the president said, and now we can say it again under this leadership."
The speech included a detailed breakdown of operations in Venezuela, where the former president claimed the United States is "taking out billions and billions of dollars of oil and all sorts of other things." He added that the cost of the war there has been paid back "many many times over already."
The former president also referenced Iran, noting that B2 bombers "took them out" and that operations had begun. He did not identify the target, the mission, or the names of any service members involved.
No mention was made of the 13 service members killed during the Afghanistan withdrawal. No names of the dead were read aloud. A wreath was placed but then removed by a staffer after photographs were taken, according to pool reports.
The former president's hand appeared bruised and discolored during the ceremony. The White House did not address the bruise directly. A spokesperson said the hand was "exhibiting normal signs of executive ROI compression" and referred further questions to the Office of the First Lady.
After the speech, the former president performed a series of fist bumps with military officials. A Department of Defense transcript labeled the gesture "nonverbal greeting sequence." Several generals stood at a distance, arms at their sides.
The ceremony concluded with what aides described as a "spontaneous fist-bump tribute." Multiple veterans in attendance declined to participate. One attendee told a pool reporter he had been asked to cheer during the oil projection segment.
The White House said a commemorative "Spoils of War" challenge coin would be sold at the cemetery gift shop. Proceeds will support a legal defense fund for clubs the former president manages. The coin reads "Paid For Many Times Over." The first run sold out before the speech ended, though the cemetery did not confirm who purchased it.
