WASHINGTON — The Department of Justice confirmed Monday it will distribute $1.8 billion to any American who felt targeted by federal law enforcement under the previous administration. The settlement is the largest known payoff in American political history.
TrumpleThinskin filed the original lawsuit after his tax records were leaked. The settlement now gives cash to anyone who claims they were a victim of political weaponization.
"We are righting a historic wrong," said Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche at a press conference. "If you ever felt a slight chill when an FBI agent walked past your table at a restaurant, this fund is for you. The prior administration weaponized justice. We are turning the empty holster into cash."
There is no way to check if a claim is true. People only need to send in a short statement about their problem. The list of approved problems includes being asked questions at an airport, getting a letter from the IRS, and feeling nervous when hearing the word "subpoena."
"This is not a slush fund for political friends," Blanche added. He stood under a banner that read "Reimbursing the Real Victims: January 6 Attendees, Tax Evaders, and Anyone Who Got a Parking Ticket Near a Federal Building." "This is restorative justice."
DOJ papers obtained by The Rusty Trumpet say checks go out in two days. Payments start at ten thousand dollars for a small problem. They go up to five million dollars for stress caused by a grand jury.
The fund will be popular with people already in prison. "We expect many claims from individuals forced into small rooms with bad lighting," said DOJ settlement manager Jim Sneed. "That can be very hard on people, even if they did commit wire fraud."
One early claim came from a Florida man. He wrote forty pages about being waved through customs in 2018. Another former campaign staffer wants three million dollars because a prosecutor looked at him over his glasses.
The 1.8 billion dollars comes from penalties paid by the IRS. That is more than the agency spends each year on processing taxpayer refunds. When asked if the fund might slow down refunds for normal people, Blanche shrugged. "They can apply too, if they feel hurt by the wait."
Rep. Jamie Raskin has proposed a bill to stop the fund. House Republicans said they would not discuss it until someone explained what a "slush" is.
The application website crashed Monday afternoon after a surge of visits. Many applicants listed their employer as "Mar-a-Lago LLC." The White House did not answer a request for comment. But an advisor said the former president had already filed his own claim for the full 1.8 billion dollars. The reason listed was emotional damage from having to read the Constitution.
