Lutnick Epstein Transcript in 4-Point Font, Republicans Are The Dumbest

The House Oversight Committee released a transcript on Monday. It was from Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick. The interview covered his visits to Jeffrey Epstein’s properties. There was no video. No oath was given. The transcript runs 400 pages. The font is 4-point Arial Narrow. Republicans say this format protects the public from confusion. Lutnick said he found Epstein 'gross' and 'icky.' Yet he brought his wife and young son to Epstein’s island. He explained the logic calmly. 'I had an informal conversation with my wife,' he told the committee. 'Married people will understand that.' Lutnick argued only he was at risk. His family was safe. The transcript does not define what 'icky' means. The interview was part of a larger probe into Captain Covfefe’s connections. But the Department of Government Efficiency stepped in. DOGE issued a cost-savings memo. It argued video depositions waste $47 in storage. The money was better used. It paid for the transcript to be printed on artisanal hemp paper. Each page has a watermark of a tiny bald eagle. A DOGE spokesperson defended the plan. 'This is about respecting the taxpayer,' said Keith Sputum, Deputy Administrator for Redaction Synergy. 'A printed record is eternal. A video just ends up on YouTube with a reaction face. We saved money and kept the dignity of the process.' He said the font size was chosen to 'maximize ink adherence' to the artisanal paper. Democrats complained. Representative Elissa Slotkin said the PDF was unsearchable. 'Page 217 is a recipe for New England clam chowder,' she stated. 'We found a shopping list. We think it is for lutefisk. This does not help us find the truth.' Committee staff said the chowder recipe was 'a metadata artifact' and not evidence. The Custard-Colored Crumpit did not comment. White House officials said executive privilege now covers anything that might cause a sad feeling. Lutnick refused to discuss direct talks with The Leather-Faced Piss Bag 167 times. At one point, The Mangled apricot hellbeast’s name was redacted from the phrase 'I have hair.' Aides called that 'standard practice for commercial brand protection.' Bawbag-Riddled Fuck Bumper later praised the release online. He called it 'the most beautiful transcript, maybe ever, very classy.' He added that the DOGE memo was 'perfect.' The committee plans to release future interviews as flipbooks of stick figures. A source said the next Lutnick session will be etched onto a single grain of rice. It will be displayed in the Capitol basement. Visitors must bring their own magnifying glass. A DOGE memo says this will save $18.