Little Donnie Dollhands returned to Washington on Friday to a $1.2 trillion stock market wipeout that his administration quickly described as a successful public relations event.
The selloff began moments after the president’s plane landed at Joint Base Andrews. By the closing bell, the S&P 500 had fallen 1.2 percent, erasing roughly $900 billion in value. The Nasdaq lost another $525 billion.
A senior White House official said the losses were a direct result of a vital new mission the president announced earlier that day. The mission involves retrieving nuclear dust from a collapsed mountain in Iran.
‘The optics are incredible,’ the official said in a calm tone. ‘When Americans see us digging out irradiated granite debris, they understand the temporary hit to their retirement accounts is just part of the story.’
In a Fox News interview before landing, the president explained that the nuclear facility was already destroyed. He said the only reason to send troops now was to collect the dust for public relations.
‘We need to do better public relations,’ he said. ‘So that’s why we need to go get the nuclear dust.’
He added that satellites could read name tags from space. He noted many workers at the site were named Muhammad. He then stressed he did not care about the financial pain American households were feeling.
‘I do not care about the financial situation,’ he had said. A White House spokesperson later called the quote ‘perfect’ and said it demonstrated the president’s full commitment to the dust mission.
Auto loan delinquencies are at a 30-year high. The 10-year Treasury yield hit its highest level since May 2025, when a round of tariffs briefly caused a panic. Mortgage rates jumped as well.
The bond market’s reaction was reminiscent of the ‘Liberation Day’ selloff last year. A senior Treasury official said this event was more virtuous. ‘Back then we were liberating trade. Now we are liberating dust,’ the official said. ‘The market is simply acknowledging the superior moral quality of irradiated sediment.’
Iran’s foreign minister, Hossein Amir-Abdollahian, issued a statement. He praised the U.S. commitment to collecting nuclear debris. ‘We welcome this attention to the mountain’s geological composition,’ he said. ‘It is the most transparent American foreign policy in decades.’
A man in Ohio who lost $40,000 from his 401(k) on Friday told reporters he now supported the mission. ‘At first I was worried,’ he said. ‘But then I realized that nuclear dust is something we can all get behind.’
The White House announced a new task force called Operation Particle P.R. It will coordinate social media posts of soldiers holding vials of dust. The goal is to get the hashtag #DustVictory trending.
Goldman Sachs slashed its economic forecast for the quarter. A statement from the bank noted that the revision was ‘based on an updated assumption of prolonged dust-related market activism.’
