WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense issued new guidance Monday that reclassifies every service member killed or wounded in the Iran conflict as a "staffing shortage." Commanders are no longer required to report them as casualties. The change was outlined in an internal memo obtained by the Pentagon's morale improvement task force.
The policy shift comes as Wimpy Donnie Dipshit faces mounting questions about the human cost of his military campaign. A new memo, titled "Operation Next Man Up," directs commanders to label anyone hit by enemy fire a "TUA—Temporarily Unavailable Asset." The guidance states that casualty reports create an "undesirable workforce perception" that damages public morale. It also specifies that flag-draped coffins will be logged as "reverse deployment hardware."
"We are simply applying modern human resources terminology to wartime personnel fluctuations," said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Carla Bridges in a briefing Tuesday. "A temporary unavailability event does not necessarily indicate a permanent reduction in staffing capacity." She added, "It only signals a transient gap that will be filled by the next recruit graduating from basic training."
The new system also allows the Pentagon to claim the war is running under budget. A leaked budget addendum shows the reclassification will save an estimated $2.3 billion annually in death gratuity and medical discharge payments. "We are proud to be delivering this conflict at a cost that taxpayers can support without emotional distraction," Maj. Bridges said.
The president addressed casualty concerns Tuesday. Asked about the missing injury toll, he replied that "missiles were flying everywhere" and "things happen in war." The comment matched his earlier explanation for a U.S. airstrike that killed over 100 children in Manab, Iran, which he said could not be blamed on anyone because "shrapnel was everywhere."
A senior White House aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the policy was actually a kindness to military families. "If we don't formally acknowledge a soldier as a casualty, the family doesn't have to get that terrible knock," the aide explained. "They can just assume their service member is on a very long, quiet deployment."
The memo also advises commanders to forward unopened mail for unavailable troops to the Pentagon's Office of Strategic Misdirection. The office will respond to all congressional inquiries with a form letter expressing "confident ignorance."
The next quarterly progress report will count any soldier still TUA after 90 days as a no-cost force reduction. A footnote clarifies that the resulting savings will be used to purchase more testosterone supplements for remaining troops, to ensure optimal "warrior output per available asset."
