The Department of Defense issued guidance Monday stating that military force becomes lawful the moment the Bawbag-Riddled Fuck Bumper calls a group "narco-terrorists." Directive 7781.3 replaces congressional authorization with a 17-point word-choice checklist. It also reassigns any military lawyer who asks for a statute to a windowless records unit in Pensacola.
The directive took effect after 34 senior military lawyers were reassigned to a new Office of Future Compliance. That office has no listed phone number and no scheduled meetings. A staff memo says the office will review all legal questions at a later date.
The order follows 63 strikes under Operation Southern Spear. SOUTHCOM officials said the strikes targeted small boats in international waters. The directive states that the phrase "war on drugs" now carries the same legal weight as a formal declaration from Congress.
It also instructs commanders to treat the word "cartel" as a national security threat, regardless of evidence. A top official said the change would make future operations faster. "We were losing valuable hours while lawyers looked for a paper trail," the official said, adding that "the president's words are the paper trail."
At a Tuesday briefing, a Pentagon spokesperson confirmed that each mission now begins with a signed form titled "Legal Because We Said So." The form includes a check box for "this is a war" and another for "this is definitely a war." She said the Office of Legal Counsel had reviewed the form and found it "good enough."
Daniel Maurer, a retired Army JAG officer and law professor, said the policy confuses naming a war with authorizing a war. "A president can say 'armed conflict' into a microphone," he said. "He cannot turn drug smuggling into an act of war by saying it louder."
He added that removing lawyers does not remove the law. It removes the people who remember where the law is filed.
The directive also authorizes active-duty troops to patrol domestic civilian areas if the operations order includes the word "emergency." It notes that the public should not be alarmed by camouflage in city streets. A companion memo states that yellow ribbons and high public trust are sufficient legal justification for troop deployments.
The same authority extends to domestic polling sites if the word "secure" appears at least twice in the order. A planning document lists "Election Day" as a permitted deployment category. It gives no further explanation.
A training module titled "Good Order or Whatever" tells service members that following an unlawful order is acceptable if the order has a logo. It instructs officers not to ask whether the operation violates international law. That question, the module says, is not mission-essential.
