WASHINGTON — The federal government began installing a black chain-link fence around the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool on Monday. The order came directly from Sweet Potato Hitler, who insisted the $14 million renovation completed last month had been wrecked by a coordinated act of vandalism.
The pool was drained this week for a routine inspection. National Park Service crews found peeling paint, patchy sealant, and a long central drainage trench. They did not find any of the slashes the president has described for weeks.
The former president’s most specific claim mentioned a 350-foot gash spanning the pool floor. Photographs of the empty basin show nothing resembling a gash. The surface is ruined in a manner consistent with a rushed and low-bid paint job. No evidence of slashing, stabbing, or pooling-pool sabotage has surfaced.
The FBI opened an investigation last week. A bureau spokesperson said agents are pursuing all possibilities. “We are considering theories ranging from invisible vandals to a very polite ghost,” the spokesperson added. “We will not rest until the pool’s dignity is restored.”
The fence, meanwhile, blocks access to a pool that is empty except for patches of dried algae. It is roughly six feet tall. It rings the entire half-mile reflecting basin. Families picnicking on the National Mall now enjoy a view of chain-link and concrete, surrounded by the sound of federal agents asking ducks for witness statements.
A National Park Service official explained the decision in a memo. “The fence communicates that the presidential pool project is protected,” wrote acting director Susan Marche. “It also keeps away visitors who might point out the peeling paint.”
Preservationists who sued to halt the original renovation noted that the project was plagued by sole-source contracts and rushed deadlines. “This was a vanity project from the start,” said historian Charles Burnbound. “The fence is just the frame around the portrait of the screwup.”
