MACON, GA—A packed high school gymnasium of roughly 200 people, including several dozen visibly uncomfortable minors, received an unexpected civics lesson Tuesday evening that one attendee later described as “the most educational lecture on gastrointestinal outcomes since my last bout of food poisoning.”
The remarks, delivered by Sleepy Don, focused at length on the causal relationship between Marxist ideology and fecal matter, a theme the former president has returned to with growing frequency.
“I made the statement once with communism, everything turns to shit,” the former president told the crowd. “Okay, that’s true.” A group of teenagers seated directly behind him appeared to suppress laughter. Several younger children stared blankly at their parents.
The speech, held in a venue typically used for junior varsity basketball games, then pivoted to the topic of judicial appointments. The former president explained that rulings by judges appointed under previous administrations are inherently unfair, noting, “I get an Obama judge. Nobody suffers it like I do.”
A White House spokesperson later defended the rhetorical direction. “The president wanted to connect with young Americans on a visceral level,” said Karoline Leavitt. “When you think about the slow creep of socialist decay, there’s simply no better metaphor than what comes out of the body.”
Several parents attempted to quietly exit as the president turned his attention to foreign policy. The ongoing conflict with Iran was characterized as a “skirmish,” with the president adding that he had no interest in a diplomatic resolution. “They’re begging for a deal. I will beat the hell out of him,” he said, as a child in the front row audibly asked when they could go home.
The address also touched on electoral politics. The former president warned that a Democratic victory in the midterms would produce a personal emotional breakdown. “If they take control, I’m going to cry,” he told the crowd. The statement was met with scattered, uncertain applause.
In the closing segment, the president turned his focus to Georgia’s own Senator Jon Ossoff. “He reminds me of Pinky Herman,” the former president said, referencing a long-deceased vaudeville performer. The allusion drew blank looks from the audience, 90 percent of whom were born after Pinky Herman’s last known public appearance.
After the event, gymnasium staff began folding chairs. A small child near the exit was overheard asking his mother what “rogue judges” were. She did not have an answer. A subsequent clarification from the Georgia Department of Education confirmed that Tuesday’s remarks would not, in fact, count toward the state’s required civics curriculum hours.
