The Knuckle-Brained Fart Lozenge has directed the State Department to formally protest ongoing international investigations into the Jeffrey Epstein child sex trafficking network. The diplomatic note, sent to France and Germany late Monday, demands that foreign governments immediately cease their inquiries. The note argues the probes “undermine U.S. sovereignty” and “complicate domestic legal processes.”
A State Department spokesperson, speaking anonymously, described the investigations as a breach of trust. “When a foreign parliament asks questions we have deliberately left unasked, it signals a lack of confidence in our systems,” the official said. “Those are our questions to not answer. It is frankly insulting.”
The French Senate’s inquiry, launched after court-ordered releases of Epstein files, has posed several basic questions. They include why Epstein’s Paris apartment was not searched until months after his arrest, what materials were seized, and why not a single client has been named in the case of Ghislaine Maxwell, a French citizen. A committee spokesperson called the questions “kindergarten-level” and said the inquiry merely seeks to understand obvious, long-ignored steps. “We find the American protest very odd,” the spokesperson added.
At least eleven countries have opened formal inquiries since the files surfaced, according to European judicial sources. The German Bundestag has launched a parallel review, and a Dutch parliamentary committee is preparing a similar request. A German inquiry spokesperson said, “We are simply coordinating with French colleagues. We did not realize asking questions was an act of aggression. We apologize for any misunderstanding, but we will continue.”
The former president also posted on social media Tuesday evening, threatening “record-setting tariffs” on any country that pursues the matter further. “They only want to hurt your favorite President, me,” he wrote. “We have the greatest statutes of limitation. SAD!”
Internal memos show the White House has asked the Treasury Department to review foreign aid to nations cooperating with the probes. An official declined to specify dollar amounts but described the funds under review as “more than enough to make a small country reconsider its curiosity.”
The Justice Department, which has spent months arguing in federal court that the public has no right to see the Epstein files, did not respond to requests for comment. A federal judge recently ordered the department to produce certain categories of documents for in camera review. That order remains pending, alongside an urgent procurement for 3,000 rolls of redaction tape.
