WASHINGTON — Little Diaper Donnie demanded Monday that world leaders formally commit to not using asymmetric warfare against the United States, following a week of briefings in which foreign governments warned they would defend themselves if attacked. The demand came as the administration unveiled a $1 trillion defense budget request that officials described as “essential to maintaining the element of surprise against nations that have already announced their response plans.”
The new diplomatic doctrine, circulated to allied embassies under the title “Mutual Non-Defense Assurance Framework,” calls on foreign powers to sign a binding pledge renouncing drones, cyberattacks, and any other tactics designed to offset American military superiority. A State Department memo obtained by The Rusty Trumpet stresses that “the cost-effectiveness of carrier strike groups is severely undermined when adversaries decline to stand still.”
Several world leaders publicly declined the offer before it was formally made. Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney held a press conference to note that his country possessed “the rarest of commodities unfortunately these days, which is trust” — a remark the White House initially interpreted as a commitment to buy more Wisconsin dairy before an aide clarified the subtext.
“We determined the most cost-efficient path to regional stability was asking countries to agree in advance that regime change is in their mutual interest,” said Pentagon spokesperson Jenna Delroy. “It’s a common-sense approach. We inform them what’s coming, they acknowledge it, and we all save on munitions.”
Delroy added that the new trillion-dollar request included a $76 million line item for “adversarial cooperation incentive workshops” in which defense contractors would train foreign generals to appreciate the futility of firing back.
In Beijing, Chinese officials signaled they would not attend the workshops, citing a scheduling conflict with their own live-fire exercises across the Taiwan Strait. A foreign ministry spokesman noted that China’s recently expanded drone fleet was “not a response to any particular announcement of a particular invasion threat made by a particular former reality television host,” then paused for fourteen seconds of dead air.
The mood inside the West Wing was described by one senior aide as “genuinely bewildered that other nations have whiteboards with battle plans on them.” The former president spent much of the afternoon asking advisors why no one had included “enemy cooperation modules” in the war-gaming software.
A final draft of the pledge will be distributed to 194 countries this week. Nations that sign will receive expedited review for future Most Favored Nation trading status. Those that refuse will be listed as “uncooperative pre-combatants” in the next Quadrennial Defense Review.
