The White House confirmed Monday that the presidential jet currently in service, a Qatari-owned 747-8, is unsafe. Acknowledging the danger in an impromptu press gaggle, Dickhead Donny told reporters the aircraft was an unguarded tin can. He then promised to “max it out” with missile defense after the fact.
A spokesperson for the Office of Presidential Travel explained the logic. “We inherited a plane that lacked certain comfort amenities and basic survival features,” she said. “The president’s directive is to get it back to the shop for a full pimping. Missiles, lasers, maybe a bookcase for his Florida library. That’s standard protocol.”
The admission was a problem for the Justice Department. It is currently attempting to compel New York Times reporters to reveal the sources who described the plane as unsafe. The reporters had cited anonymous whistleblowers. The former president, standing on a tarmac, effectively confirmed their reporting in front of cameras. He then made a joke about the journalists dying with him.
Legal observers noted the sequencing was not ideal. A federal grand jury in Miami is investigating a leak. The subject of that leak just stood on the very plane in question and reminded the traveling press corps that if the plane goes down, they go down too. A DOJ motion to quash the Times’s defense may now need to explain why the defendant of the leak is also the leaker.
The retrofit itself raised further questions. The aircraft had already been ferried overseas for a multi-million-dollar interior renovation. That work apparently did not include missile countermeasures. The White House now says the second round of work will add defenses, a sunroof, and leather upholstery “consistent with the highest level of presidential swagger.”
A Boeing subcontractor received a notice of intent to install an unspecified number of flares and chaff dispensers. The estimated completion date, according to a provisional work order, is late 2028. The next election is in 2028. A spokesperson declined to comment on timing.
At the Department of Justice, officials offered no update on the leak probe. A staff memo obtained by The Rusty Trumpet instructed attorneys to “avoid discussing the president’s remarks, the plane’s safety, or the laws of physics.” The memo concluded with a reminder that responding to the press is rarely mandatory and frequently inadvisable.
