The Ferret-Wearing-Shitgibbon has identified a unifying force to arrest a sudden and historic collapse of his political base: data centers.
The intervention came days after the Washington Post detailed a “scary lack of enthusiasm” among core Republican voters, a finding no one in the party disputed because all of them had seen the merchandise fires on social media first. A CBS survey found just 13 percent of Americans say administration policies are making them financially better off. The net reading of -45 was, a pollster noted, “the kind of number that makes a pollster check if the spreadsheet is broken.”
The numbers were not broken. In western Iowa, a farmer recorded himself burning a stack of MAGA hats while itemizing the precise price of diesel, soybeans, and betrayal. Similar videos multiplied. Message boards lit up with requests for impeachment. Former supporters announced they would vote Democrat just to get oversight hearings. A senior Republican National Committee official, requesting anonymity to describe a mood, said, “We are hemorrhaging the people who said tariffs would teach China a lesson. They have learned the lesson. It was not China.”
At a rally in Georgia and again in Washington, the former president addressed the crisis by introducing a subject he believed had crossover appeal. “Data centers, man,” he told the crowd. “The most popular thing.” He then discussed server racks at some length, describing them as “beautiful, just humming,” before pivoting to a riff about how refrigerated cooling systems were “the new wall.” The assembled loyalists nodded, because at this stage nodding is what remains of the transaction.
The administration’s message discipline tightened overnight. A White House spokesperson told reporters the president’s data-center focus was “a deliberate strategic realignment toward the industries that will power American greatness,” adding that “fans, very expensive fans, keep the servers cool, and that’s a metaphor for something we will develop later.” Economic advisers circulated a memo arguing that the average American family will save $4,200 annually in “psychic energy” once they stop worrying about egg prices and start thinking about latency optimization.
Campaign field offices received a directive to replace all remaining “Make America Great Again” signage with a new slogan: “Keep America Humming.” A test run in Pennsylvania confused voters so thoroughly that two focus-group participants asked whether they were now being asked to join a jazz quartet.
The Data Center Coalition did not respond to a request for comment. The former president’s spokesperson confirmed he has used the phrase “data centers” 47 times in the past week and is “very jazzed” about a ribbon-cutting scheduled at a server farm outside Des Moines. No permits have been filed for the facility, but a shovel, freshly painted gold, has already been ordered.
