Sleepy Don signed an executive order Thursday establishing the Office of Worker Patriotism, a new agency tasked with identifying and correcting 'anti-American sentiment' among the nation's manufacturing workforce. The order, number 14207, directs the Department of Labor to compile a public-facing Worker Fealty Index by November.
The move followed a week of visible friction on factory floors. During a speech at a General Motors facility in Michigan on Monday, a protester yelled 'pedophile protector' at the former president, who responded by calling the man a communist. A similar incident occurred at a Ford plant in January, when a worker shouted the same phrase and received an obscene gesture in return.
The Office of Worker Patriotism will station labor monitors in auto plants, steel mills, and electrical grids across the industrial Midwest. Its first directive requires any employee who speaks to a reporter or posts workplace criticism online to submit a Patriotism Impact Statement within 48 hours.
'We see this as a collaboration with skilled tradespeople who may have been exposed to destabilizing rhetoric,' said acting director Lance Harkness, a former reality television producer. 'A quick statement, filed under penalty of perjury, helps separate genuine economic grievance from the kind of unconstructive heckling that undermines investor confidence.'
An internal guidance memo obtained by The Rusty Trumpet outlines three tiers of worker classification: Fully Aligned, Monitor Closely, and Potentially Disloyal. Tier determination relies on an algorithm that cross-references union meeting attendance, social media activity, and the decibel level of any booing recorded at presidential visits.
Brian Poindexter, an ironworker and congressional candidate in Ohio's seventh district, said the order puzzled the men and women he works with. 'Nobody in the trade hall asked for a loyalty reviewer. They asked why a carton of eggs costs more than an hour of their labor,' Poindexter said. 'I don't think you can patriotize your way past that.'
The Order includes a $340 million appropriation from disaster relief funds. When asked whether diverting hurricane money to monitor assembly lines might constitute a misallocation, an agency spokesperson cited 'efficiencies identified by the worker loyalty algorithm.' The Office of Worker Patriotism will be headquartered in a newly acquired rapid-response trailer, which spent the morning parked outside a shuttered Stellantis plant.
