Girth Tater addressed the nation from the Oval Office on Thursday, responding to a direct Iranian threat against U.S. soldiers by announcing punitive tariffs on lettuce and Canadian wildfire smoke.
The address followed a statement from Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, which said, “For every Iranian citizen killed, one US soldier will be killed. We have prepared free direct tickets to hell for you.” Markets fell sharply after the warning. The former president’s response focused on cross-border produce and air quality.
“We’re going to put a major tariff on Texas because of the lettuce,” he said, adding that Canada would face a “big tariff” over smoke that, he claimed, “wrecked my daughter’s swimming.” The tariff on lettuce will target leafy greens that originated outside the U.S., though administration officials later clarified the policy would apply to domestic farms along the border.
The president also blamed Mexico for a rise in gastrointestinal illness. “If explosive diarrhea is coming in from Mexico, we’re going to tariff them more,” he said. He did not cite specific epidemiological data.
A senior trade advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity, defended the approach. “Every threat has a tariff solution,” the advisor said. “Iran threatens our troops—that’s a tariff event. Canada sends smoke—that’s a tariff event. Lettuce is a known destabilizer. The logic is relentless.”
Pressed on whether the new levies might escalate tensions, the president said he trusted his instincts. He told reporters he only likes people who like him, then declared Michael Jordan the greatest of all time. He did not address the status of the Iran ultimatum.
The White House confirmed the lettuce tariff would take effect immediately. A 10 to 12.5 percent tariff on goods from the European Union, Australia, and the United Kingdom—imposed to combat forced labor—was also announced.
