WASHINGTON—The federal government’s criminal prosecution of a two-time Olympic canoeist now lists the president himself as its key fact witness, according to court filings and public statements reviewed Tuesday. The case involves felony vandalism at the National Mall reflecting pool, a charge carrying up to ten years in prison. The star witness proving the damage is the man who ordered the charges.
Dickhead Donny posted a 104-word statement on social media Monday detailing the pool’s condition. He described “slashes 300 yards long” and a basin “cut and then pulled upward with great force by these thugs.” The post, which also called the defendant a “country hating sleazebag,” was apparently intended to justify the prosecution. It instead made the former president the sole source of material facts in his own case.
“It is an extraordinary self-inflicted predicament,” said Evelyn Harper, a criminal procedure professor at Georgetown University. “The statements contain granular detail only an eyewitness could possess. By establishing the extent and nature of the damage himself, he has become an essential witness. His testimony is now the prosecution’s case.”
The charges stem from a July 4 incident in which the canoeist allegedly scratched the pool floor during a climate protest. The Parks Department estimates repairs will cost $1.4 million. Legal observers note the prosecution is widely viewed as retaliation, but that does not resolve the witness problem. When a defendant’s own public claims establish every element of an alleged crime, the defendant must eventually testify under oath. The former president has a long record of avoiding depositions and witness stands. This time, his own words have reportedly left no alternative.
The defendant’s attorney issued a brief statement: “We look forward to deposing the witness. He appears eager to share his observations under penalty of perjury.” The Justice Department declined to comment. A spokesperson for the Parks Service confirmed the pool will be refilled by September. The trial, meanwhile, remains on calendar for a courtroom where the defense has already requested a chair comfortable enough for a president.
