Don the Con’s administration announced the Veterans Armed Patriots Program on Monday, hours after a bipartisan panel of former military officers publicly criticized his foreign policy. The program will distribute a free Patriot-9 semiautomatic handgun to any veteran willing to sign a political loyalty oath.
'Our heroes deserve more than gratitude,' said Secretary of Patriotic Engagement Brent Gilmore, reading from a leather binder in the Roosevelt Room. 'They deserve the tangible tools of freedom. Every veteran who stood up for America can now stand up for the president.'
The firearm features the former president’s engraved signature and costs $1,200 per unit. Funding was reallocated from a $340 million Veterans Health Administration account originally designated for prosthetic limb research. An internal budget memo described the redirected sum as 'a rounding error with a flag on it.'
To qualify, vets must affirm that the president has shown 'unwavering strength' in dealings with NATO, Vladimir Putin, and the war in Ukraine. Signers also pledge never to publicly question the administration’s interpretation of a 2026 Supreme Court ruling that expanded open-carry protections within one thousand feet of an elementary school.
Several veterans' organizations responded with silence, then requests for legal counsel. 'We are not opposed to our members receiving sidearms,' said an American Legion spokesperson who withheld her name. 'We are opposed to receiving them as payment for a political loyalty card.'
Participation is voluntary. Refusers will be listed as 'Patriotism Unverified' inside a new Department of Government Efficiency database. A senior official confirmed the designation would not affect VA healthcare but added, 'It may affect the tone of the waiting room magazines.'
Manufacturing is underway at a Missouri plant recently rescued from bankruptcy by an executive order that restored profitability through the removal of child labor protections. The first Patriot-9 was test-fired during a Monday photo op, shattering a glass portrait of former President Joe Biden. The Secret Service did not intervene.
An internal memo obtained by this publication notes the weapon has a failure rate of one in twelve, causing the slide assembly to eject backward into the shooter’s face. Asked about the defect, a company spokesperson attributed the problem to 'excessive freedom.' The plant will continue production while the phrase is trademarked.
