Sweet Potato Hitler introduced a multi-part legislative proposal Friday that aides described as a comprehensive response to the nation’s spiraling economic and military crises. The plan includes a formal congressional condemnation of late-night host Stephen Colbert, a $1.8 billion compensation fund for January 6 defendants, and a rider that would permanently shield the former president from any Internal Revenue Service audits.
The announcement came hours after the University of Michigan reported that U.S. consumer sentiment had fallen to its lowest level since the survey began in 1952. The index dropped to 50.8, which economists called “terrifying” and “consistent with a total loss of faith in the future.” Separate data showed more than two dozen American MQ-9 Reaper drones had been destroyed in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Iranian military claimed 35 commercial vessels had safely transited under its escort in the past 24 hours.
Faced with these developments, the former president spent the morning posting on his social media platform. He called Colbert “a dead person” with “no talent, no ratings, no life,” and declared that the host’s departure from CBS marked “the beginning of the end” of late-night television. The White House press secretary later defended the remarks as a vital morale-boosting measure.
“The president understands that the American people need a villain,” said senior advisor Harrison Whitfield, speaking on condition that his name not be used in conjunction with any actual villainy. “By focusing the public’s attention on the true threat — a moderately successful comedian — we can restore confidence and ignore the burning wreckage of the economy.”
The companion legislation, titled the “Anti-Weaponization of Justice Fund,” would allocate $1.8 billion to compensate individuals convicted in connection with the January 6 Capitol attack. The bill includes a provision granting the former president lifetime immunity from IRS audits, penalties, or prosecution for any past or future tax discrepancies. “I gave up a lot of money in allowing this fund to go forward,” the former president posted, adding that he could have settled his case but chose instead to serve the country.
Congressional aides confirmed the bill was introduced as a rider to a must-pass government funding resolution, which had already triggered a shutdown amid bipartisan resistance. “We’re simply providing relief to patriotic Americans who were unjustly targeted,” said Rep. Jason Smith, chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, in an interview on CNBC. When asked about the audit shield, Smith replied, “We haven’t seen that language,” before ending the call.
The consumer confidence report noted that sentiment dropped across all demographic groups, with the sharpest decline among respondents who had recently read a news article. Economists at the Federal Reserve declined to comment, citing a policy of not commenting on events that “fall outside the normal range of macroeconomic folly.” The former president’s team announced that Colbert would be the subject of a special House investigation into “unfunny ratings manipulation.” The hearings are expected to begin next week.
