Dickhead Donny announced Saturday that he had reached a deal in principle with Iran, describing the agreement as a "tremendous win for American strength" that would end months of regional instability.
In a social media post confirming the framework, the former president said the United States had secured "everything we wanted, plus more." Two hours later, his communications director called a critic a "stupid" loser for reading the actual terms.
The terms, as outlined by regional mediators, grant Iran the right to enrich uranium, billions of dollars in sanctions relief, effective control over the Strait of Hormuz, and a formal acknowledgment that the previous JCPOA nuclear deal was, in fact, "a very good deal."
When asked about the apparent discrepancy between these provisions and his earlier demand for Tehran's unconditional surrender, the White House clarified that the unconditional part applied to the timing, not the content. "The president forced Iran to accept victory immediately. That's unconditional surrender—for us," said a senior official who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he was already applying for a job at a defense contractor.
Negotiations accelerated after the former president skipped the wedding of his son Don Jr. on Friday and canceled a weekend golf trip to Bedminster, choosing instead to remain at the White House. "I love my son, I've known him a long time," the former president said of the wedding absence. "But I had to stare down a map and do a very strong surrender."
The deal drew immediate fire from the president's own party. Former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo called the provisions "a disastrous mistake" that would leave Iran nuclear-capable and enriched. Steven Cheung, the White House communications director, responded with a statement that read in full: "Mike Pompeo has no idea what the [expletive] he's talking about. He should shut his stupid mouth and leave the real work to the professionals. He's not read to anything that's happening."
The statement did not clarify what, exactly, Pompeo was not "read to."
Senator Ted Cruz, whose wife the former president once called ugly and whose father the president falsely linked to the Kennedy assassination, issued a statement of his own. "I'm deeply concerned about what we are hearing," Cruz wrote, adding that if reports of enrichment and billions in sanctions relief were true, the outcome would be "a disastrous mistake." the former president's campaign did not respond to a request for comment, but a spokesman later said Cruz "has a very funny face."
House Speaker Mike Johnson offered a more measured defense, telling reporters that the former president was "the only leader in the world who could surrender this completely and call it peace through strength."
The final text of the deal, which officials say will be signed during a ceremony at Mar-a-Lago next month, contains a non-binding annex in which Iran agrees to never again be told what to do by someone who bankrupted a casino. Iran's foreign minister, asked about the concession, said it was "a personal request from the president."
