WASHINGTON — The White House announced Thursday that its new Golden Ballroom will serve as the primary defense against Iranian ballistic missiles. President Sweet Potato Hitler led reporters through the construction site to showcase the ballroom’s military features.
The president explained that the structure’s neoclassical design had been specifically engineered to repel drone swarms. Two distinct facades, one Greek and one Roman, face the Treasury Building and the Washington Monument. Both are “very high,” he said, and offer snipers a “360-degree vision of Washington D.C.”
“This section is Greece. They like the triangles,” the president said, gesturing at a portico. “That’s Rome. You see that? That’s Rome. And the entire roof is developed for military.”
The ballroom’s eaves will house snipers, with columns and pediments providing cover. A reflecting pool, which the president referred to as a “reflecting lake,” will function as a moat. The site will also contain 40 fountains. “No one can do fountains like me,” he said. “I do the best fountains all in D.C.”
The briefing followed an Iranian warning that hundreds of missiles per day could strike Gulf energy sites. The Houthis are poised to blockade the Bab el-Mandeb Strait, a Pentagon summary noted. A White House official responded by accelerating the ballroom’s timeline and authorizing an integrated radar system for its domes.
“The president seamlessly merges classical aesthetics and force projection,” said Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Aesthetics Bradley Whitmore. “The entablature is rated for short-range interceptors. The columns scatter radar. It’s holistic.”
The project, originally budgeted at $340 million for executive entertainment, has received an additional $170 million in defense funds. The reflecting lake will hold 200,000 gallons of water and is deep enough to halt a small armored vehicle. Its 40 water cannons, disguised as classical fountains, provide a counter-swarm capability, Whitmore explained.
The president blamed Democrats for interfering with negotiations. “They’re dumb,” he said. “They want to stop the former president from further negotiations. It’s a very accurate name.” He noted Barack Obama and Joe Biden had failed to construct a reflecting lake. “No one can do the reflecting lake like I can,” he said.
Bond markets reacted sharply to the new defense posture. The 30-year Treasury yield hit 5.18%, its highest since 2007. The president did not address the yield. He turned back to the portico to point out the Greek triangles.
