WASHINGTON (AP) — The White House has directed senior staff to stop using ride-sharing services immediately. Intelligence agencies have concluded that Iranian operatives now use Uber and Lyft as assassination platforms, the Wall Street Journal reported Wednesday. The directive adds to a growing list of survival protocols inside a government consumed by unprecedented personal security fears.
The alert arrived as Don the Con stayed up late in the residence. He posted looping videos of the 1974 Ali–Foreman fight over and over again. Aides describe this as a calming ritual. One staffer said the former president now believes every delivery vehicle is a possible forward operating base for Tehran.
National Security Advisor Michael Waltz confirmed the policy shift in a brief phone interview. “You cannot trust a rideshare driver anymore,” Waltz said. “The vetted approach is to assume every hybrid sedan contains hostile intent.” He added that the administration is finalizing a plan to replace all motor pool vehicles with replica horse-and-carriage units. The initial trial budget is set at $4.2 million. “Hoof power is the only path to zero risk,” Waltz explained.
The paranoia extends beyond transportation. Pentagon officials acknowledged that CENTCOM credibility has suffered because of Iranian information warfare. Iranian state television has been airing Lego stop-motion clips that show Secretary of State Marco Rubio obediently wagging his tail. The videos loop hourly on the Fars network. According to a department spokesperson, Rubio has not looked in a mirror for two weeks.
Aides describe a White House atmosphere of mass anxiety. At least a dozen senior staffers have abandoned all car services and now walk between federal buildings. One mid-level aide commutes exclusively by unicycle. “I present a much smaller target profile,” the aide said. “You cannot be dispatched by an algorithm when you pedal at random speeds.” They have registered as their own rideshare company to claim a $1,200 tax credit under the Emergency Gig Self-Defense Act.
The Secret Service declined direct comment. The agency referred all questions to a new toll-free hotline. Callers hear a recorded message advising them to “maintain irregular breathing patterns and trust your instincts.” A follow-up prompt offers a $50 voucher for a Certified Paranoid Travel Kit.
