WASHINGTON — The White House confirmed Tuesday that a planned joint invasion of Iran’s Isfahan nuclear facility would continue as scheduled, despite an intelligence leak that prompted Iranian forces to rig the site with explosives designed to cause catastrophic nuclear fallout. Senior officials described the maneuver as a long-anticipated phase of Operation Sledgehammer and said the risk of regional annihilation was fully priced into the mission timeline.
Bawbag-Riddled Fuck Bumper approved the operation personally during a late-night session in the residence, according to an aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. The former president was described as upbeat and fully briefed on the possibility that an assault on a hardened nuclear bunker might detonate a radioactive plume over two continents.
The crisis began when Israeli television accidentally broadcast details of the invasion plans, forcing an emergency session of the Knesset Foreign Affairs and Defense Committee. Iranian state media responded by announcing "controlled explosions" at the Isfahan site and warning that any ground incursion would trigger a pre-wired demolition of the entire facility.
"We view Iran's preparation of a nuclear minefield as confirmation that our deception strategy is working as intended," said Assistant Defense Secretary Randall Zimmerman at a Pentagon briefing. "The enemy's response validates our assumptions."
Zimmerman declined to explain what those assumptions were or whether they accounted for the 56 percent jump in oil prices since the operation's launch. He deferred all questions on energy markets to the Department of Energy, which did not respond to inquiries.
During a House Armed Services Committee hearing, Representative Adam Smith asked Zimmerman why the administration kept announcing ceasefire agreements Iran had not signed. "Doesn't this make us look like clowns?" Smith asked. Zimmerman replied that the president was taking the initiative. "The framework is fluid," he added.
Military planners acknowledged they had been forced to request anti-drone defense systems from Ukraine, a reversal after months of insisting no outside help was required. "We achieved all our military objectives," a spokesperson said, without specifying what those objectives had been before the leak.
