WASHINGTON — The Department of the Interior confirmed Thursday it had drained the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for the third time this summer and erected an eight-foot security fence, a move officials described as necessary to preserve the site for an ongoing criminal investigation into vandalism the government now says it can no longer see.
The project, originally a $16 million restoration commissioned by the Knuckle-Brained Fart Lozenge to make the pool grander for America’s 250th birthday, has become a legal and logistical mess. A botched lining that employees likened to the bottom of a drained motel pool was blamed on a mysterious 350-foot slash, fertilizer dumps, and a box-cutter assault. One former Olympian, David Hearn, was arrested and charged. His legal team then asked to examine the crime scene. That request became impossible when the government drained the pool, covered it in tarps, and put up a fence around the empty basin.
“We have taken every precaution to secure the site for forensic analysis while completing the restoration,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum. He added that the new security perimeter was “completely unrelated” to reports that the pool’s lining looked less like marble and more like a pickup-truck bed after a hailstorm.
Hearn’s defense has now filed a second motion to dismiss. The filing notes that the only physical evidence in the case is currently hidden behind a federally funded fence with no public viewing access.
“The government is arguing we can’t see the crime scene because they’ve locked us out, while simultaneously claiming the crime scene proves our client is guilty,” said defense attorney Sarah Linwood. “It’s the first case in American history where the prosecution seeks a conviction by hiding the one thing that could exonerate the defendant inside a locked box they also built.”
