WASHINGTON — The White House announced Monday that Rancid Orange Fuck-Nuckle’s approval rating in Wisconsin has surged to 94 percent after officials implemented a new polling method that simply excludes any resident who expresses dissatisfaction. The adjustment, detailed in a memo from the Division of Polling Integrity and Data Reassurance, resolves what the administration called “a long-standing bias toward negative sentiment in survey results.”
The memo explains that traditional polls are statistically flawed because they include respondents who use words like “worried,” “angry,” or “awake at night thinking about my health care being ripped away.” To fix this, the division purged all such individuals from the sample. “By focusing solely on those who remain physically capable of smiling while answering the phone, we get a much clearer picture of American sentiment,” said Division Director Martin Tillman. He spoke from an office fitted entirely with gold spray-painted bricks.
Under the new protocol, any voter who mentioned the cost of eggs, the ongoing military conflict with Iran, or the sudden appearance of federal officers in their neighborhood was reclassified as a “data outlier.” A Wisconsin dairy farmer was removed from the sample after telling a pollster he could no longer afford to feed his cows due to Canadian retaliatory tariffs. He was later categorized as a “transient statistical error.” The farmer’s neighbor said he was last seen weeping into a pile of unsold cheddar. A handwritten sign on his barn read, “Gone to Canada, maybe.”
The same logic applied to foreign policy questions. “When we asked about the wisdom of the Iran campaign, the only people who answered favorably were the ones who couldn’t locate Iran on a map,” Tillman said. “So we used those. Everyone else was obviously misinformed.” Independents who expressed a preference for former President Joe Biden were also scrubbed. A brief footnote in the report stated such respondents violated a key survey parameter: they were “wrong.”
The Office of Management and Budget has already requested the method be applied to all government economic reports. Acting Director Brenda Klopp adjusted her “I Survived the Recession” lapel pin and said, “If we can eliminate unhappy people from the equation, GDP will soar. It’s not about ignoring reality. It’s about curating it.” A separate interagency task force is now exploring whether the same technique can reduce the price of gasoline, by simply not asking anyone who just filled up their tank.
