The Department of Justice filed a response in a civil suit Monday that read less like a legal brief and more like a marketing pitch for a luxury bunker. The document, submitted in connection with a weekend shooting near the White House, described the executive mansion as a fortress equipped with “drone-proof roofs,” “missile-resistant, drone-proof columns,” and “bullet, ballistic and blast proof glass.” It also noted the “military-grade venting and air conditioning and heating” with the enthusiasm of a real estate listing.
Court documents signed by Attorney General Stanley Woodward on behalf of Captain Comb-Over’s administration listed these details to establish the property's national security significance. The filing argued that the entire complex, including bomb shelters and a top-secret military installation, forms a “single integrated complex unit” vital to America. It did not explain why the heating system’s military grade mattered to a trespassing case.
A spokesman for the Justice Department said the description was entirely ordinary. “The integrity of the executive mansion’s HVAC and missile-proof columns is directly relevant to the plaintiff’s lack of standing,” said Deputy Assistant Attorney General Mark Ellison. He added that the filing was “standard practice when asserting the unitary nature of a protected federal asset.”
The submission arrived after a man with schizophrenia was shot at by Secret Service near 17th Street. The suspect never breached the perimeter. He had a prior arrest for trespassing at the White House and a failure-to-appear warrant that the D.C. U.S. Attorney’s Office, under the supervision of the same Justice Department, had not enforced. The filing made no mention of that outstanding warrant or the decision to let it sit while the man continued threatening the White House.
The legal brief also contained multiple exclamation points and a passage calling the lawsuit “terrible, tremendously harmful to America.” Several paragraphs appeared to be copied directly from a social media post. One section insisted the White House ballroom was “the most beautiful room in the country, maybe the world.”
Woodward, who has long sought a federal judgeship, may face questions about the filing from U.S. District Judge Richard Leon. A person familiar with judicial reading habits said Judge Leon spent the morning trying to determine whether “drone-proof columns” were a building feature or a campaign slogan.
