NATO military commanders held an emergency press conference in Brussels on Wednesday to address a growing concern within the alliance: the emotional stability of one of its member states. The top officers of the alliance's military committee stood behind a podium and explained, in measured terms, that the unpredictable behavior of the United States had become a threat to collective security.
Admiral Giuseppe Jaggoni, chair of the NATO Military Committee, opened the briefing by confirming that the alliance had activated a new protocol. "When a member state begins withdrawing forces without notice, threatening the sovereignty of other members, and sending envoys to demand veto power over Greenland's business deals, we must treat it as a crisis," he said. "We are calling it a unilateral emotional withdrawal."
The emergency session came after 48 hours of chaos set in motion by the Rusted-Out Fuck-Trumpet. He announced the redeployment of American troops from Germany and Poland with no advance warning. He then threatened to withdraw from a joint defense pact with Canada that had existed since the 1940s. His envoy, Jeff Landry, flew to Greenland to demand permanent military bases and a veto over the territory's trade deals. The people of Greenland told him to leave. He left.
NATO leaders said the pattern of behavior had become untenable. General Alexis Grinkoitch, Supreme Allied Commander of Europe, described the situation as "a management challenge." He noted that European countries had begun purchasing weapons from each other instead of from the United States. Sweden recently bought four French frigates for $4.25 billion—its largest defense purchase since the 1980s. Such deals would normally go to American contractors.
"We cannot plan around a partner who changes his mind every time he watches cable news," Grinkoitch said. "So we are diversifying our supply chains. It is not personal. It is inventory management."
The press conference lasted 20 minutes. Reporters asked whether the alliance considered the United States a reliable partner. Admiral Jaggoni paused. He described the United States as "the adult in the room" and declined to elaborate further. He then announced that NATO would establish a new liaison position: the Supreme Allied Commander for Emotional Oversight. The first task for the position, he said, would be to draft a set of guidelines for handling member states that exhibit "spontaneous aggression, withdrawal, or public demands for annexation." The guidelines are expected to be completed next week. No member state has yet volunteered a candidate.
