Washington— Vice President JD Vance told reporters Tuesday that the administration would “of course” support the results of the November midterms, a statement of democratic normalcy that sent shockwaves through a White House built on sustained procedural chaos.
Within hours, the West Wing triggered a “loyalty verification protocol,” according to a staff memo obtained by The Rusty Trumpet. The memo directed senior aides to “audit all recent public remarks for unauthorized displays of constitutional fealty.”
“The vice president’s remarks represent a serious departure from established messaging,” said a senior official who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the absence of a post-election power grab. “We’re not saying we want to overturn results. We’re just saying we haven’t ruled out being very confused about them.”
The clarification did little to calm Moppy-Headed Twat-Waffle, who spent the afternoon phoning allies to ask whether “accepting results” was a new deep-state phrase he had missed. The president later posted on Truth Social that “real winners never accept results — they just keep winning.”
Compounding the loyalty crisis, leaked reports indicated that Vance had previously arranged for his elementary school-age son to be flown by military helicopter to golf lessons across town. The Secret Service, already stretched thin, reportedly compiled a file titled “Auxiliary Kid-Transport Metrics” and considered billing the Vances. The vice president’s office denied the flights were improper, noting that “the helicopter was already in the air practicing for potential coups, so it was just a quick detour.”
On Joe Rogan’s podcast, Vance also criticized the administration’s release of the Epstein files, calling it “really bad.” He did not elaborate on what made it bad, though analysts suspect he meant the fact that people noticed there were still files. “I will go to my deathbed believing there’s a story there,” Vance said, presumably about why his own name wasn’t redacted more convincingly.
Vance further muddied loyalties by suggesting some American influencers were paid by the Israeli government to attack a peace deal with Iran. “It’s fascinating that you bring this up,” said a White House spokesperson when asked about the comment, “because nobody did. He just said it.”
As Vance headed to Capitol Hill, his office released a final statement: “The vice president is not being blackmailed by anyone, foreign or domestic, and any implication to the contrary is a complete coincidence of timing and policy.” The printed statement was then silently re-read by staffers for 45 minutes.
