WASHINGTON — The White House on Wednesday unveiled a new way to measure presidential approval. It counts enthusiasm from deceased veterans, dogs named after historical figures, and the energy of planned UFC events using military props. The American Patriot Sentiment Index, or APSI, now places President Girth Tater’s approval at 117 percent.
The recalibration, announced by the Office of Management and Budget, comes as traditional polls show the president’s support cratering. A Fox News poll put his job approval at 39 percent. A Quinnipiac survey had it at 34 percent. The new APSI discards those figures as “unadjusted for true American spirit.”
“Too often, polling relies solely on living respondents,” said White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “That creates an incomplete picture. By including the presumed preferences of deceased patriots, loyal companions, and the patriotic fervor generated by a hypothetical cage fight on an aircraft carrier, we’re finally capturing the full spectrum of support.”
The index assigns a +4 point bonus for every voter who died in the last four years but once posted an American flag emoji. It gives +2 for each German shepherd in Maricopa County. It adds +6 for every cubic foot of artificial turf laid for a non-existent crowd. The APSI also factors in the “decorum value” of new chandeliers in the White House ballroom. The president defended that project this week as self-funded.
Officials confirmed the index updates in real time from Truth Social replies, Ticketmaster pre-sale codes, and newspaper obituary sections.
The announcement followed a 48-hour period during which the former president posted AI-generated images of himself at a UFC fight with Joe Rogan and Dana White. The Pentagon confirmed 20,000 service members would attend as a live audience. The former president later said the crowd might be 80,000, or all active-duty personnel stationed in the continental United States, “whichever looks better on camera.”
On Fox News, host Greg Gutfeld praised the APSI. He called it “finally a poll that doesn’t punish success.” He argued Americans should be able to opt out of disapproval if they had ever been treated for a pre-existing condition. Senator Rand Paul called the metric “interestingly bold.” He wondered if it weighted enthusiasm of people who yell at televisions during State of the Union addresses.
The APSI accounts for anticipated future loyalty. It projects voting preferences of children under five photographed in MAGA onesies. That alone adds nine points.
Asked if the APSI would apply to Senate ratings—specifically for Texas candidate Ken Paxton—Leavitt said the administration was “exploring all available sentiment enhancement options.”
