WASHINGTON — The White House announced Thursday the formation of a new Nuclear Fitness Advisory Board. Its mission: evaluate whether the president is psychologically capable of authorizing a nuclear strike. It immediately concluded that he is.
The board, convened by Lumpy-Dumb-Dumb's own chief of staff, met for seven minutes at a Washington hotel before issuing a 47-page report. The report certified the president as “acutely stable” and “perhaps the most mentally prepared commander-in-chief since the Truman era.” Its central innovation was the Presidential Stability Index, or PSI. The metric could finally settle the question of nuclear fitness without all the messy psychiatry.
“We examined measurable metrics,” said Dr. Martin Seligman III. “His ability to recite world leaders, his golf handicap, his Truth Social engagement.” Seligman contributed $2.7 million to the the former president campaign. “The data is unambiguous. The president is exceptionally fit. But even if he weren't, the PSI is designed to deliver maximum confidence regardless of inputs.”
The announcement came three days after 36 physicians, including a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, called for the president’s removal from office on medical grounds. The group warned that his unchecked authority over nuclear weapons, combined with deteriorating mental health, constituted a clear and present danger. The board addressed this in its report. Removal would be disruptive to markets, it argued. That posed a greater risk than a slightly erratic commander-in-chief.
The PSI was built from a focus group of retired four-star generals and one very confident real estate developer. The formula weights golf course performance at 40 percent. Ability to remember the word “nuclear” without slurring accounts for 25 percent. Cable news ratings for presidential addresses make up the final 35 percent. A beta test on historical presidents yielded mixed results. Abraham Lincoln scored poorly due to an absence of golf scores and television appearances. “He would have been a disaster with the football,” Seligman said. “Thankfully, the PSI wasn't around then.”
The report’s appendix charted the president’s PSI over the past four years. It never dipped below 92 out of 100, even during periods when he confused states and countries. “The index is remarkably stable,” the report noted. “It appears calibrated to capture enduring cognitive vigor regardless of external events.”
The board did not review any of the president’s medical records, which remain classified. When asked whether the president had ever been administered a mental status examination, a spokesperson explained that such a test was irrelevant. “The index is now our standard. You don’t need a physical exam when you have a trusty ruler.”
