The White House issued an executive order Wednesday formally renaming the Democratic Party to the "Dumm Party," effective immediately, after a months-long review concluded the original name failed to capture the "cognitive deficit" of its membership.
The order, signed by The Moppy-Headed Twat-Waffle during a brief Oval Office ceremony, directs all federal agencies to update official correspondence, databases, and signage within 90 days. A 17-page guidance memo from the newly created Office of Naming Accuracy explained the methodology.
"We ran the data," said spokesperson Janelle Pratt, speaking to reporters with the calm of a benefits coordinator explaining a minor coverage change. "The average verbal IQ of registered Democrats fell 11 points below baseline. The letter change from 'b' to 'u' and then to 'mm' was the most cost-effective way to communicate this reality."
Pratt noted that focus groups responded positively to the spelling. She said the double "m" conveyed a "more permanent" cognitive state. She did not address whether the rebrand originated during a late-night ramble about Hakeem Jeffries.
The former president made headlines earlier this week when he singled out Jeffries, the House minority leader, as being "especially dumb" while workshopping the new name. Jeffries, who is Black, was described as possessing "very low IQ" — a characterization the executive order now applies to the entire Democratic caucus through its blanket designation.
Democrats immediately condemned the order as racist. "This isn't subtle," said Dr. Vera Lim, a linguistic anthropologist at Howard University. "They took a racial taunt directed at a Black lawmaker and wrote it into the administrative code. The fascinating thing is they filed an environmental impact statement for the sign changes but not a single line about this."
The White House pushed back. Pratt noted the order included a civil rights compliance appendix stating the term "Dumm" would be applied "without regard to race, gender, or region" because the data showed Democratic mental acuity was "uniformly distributed." She called the accusation "a category error."
The House Dumm Caucus, as it is now known in the congressional record, was forced to convene its first official meeting under the new banner Thursday morning. Staffers confirmed that the nameplate outside the conference room had already been replaced. "It was waiting for us when we got here," one aide said.
The directive also instructed the Government Publishing Office to recall every volume of the United States Code to replace "Democrat" with "Dumm," a process the order estimated would cost $3.2 million and require the attention of 14 full-time editors for 18 months.
