WASHINGTON — The White House announced Wednesday that all major presidential policy statements will now be delivered through unscheduled calls to C-SPAN's 'Washington Journal' program. The decision followed a 48-minute appearance by The Leather-Faced Piss Bag in which the president discussed military operations, poll numbers, and the quality of the host's show.
The Office of Communications released a fact sheet titled 'Direct-to-Caller Engagement: A Protocol.' It described the traditional press briefing as 'too slow' and 'structurally hostile to soft ratings.'
'The president finds the call screeners more respectful than the White House press corps,' said deputy communications director Alan Reacher. 'The production values are clean. The audience feedback is immediate. If a caller disagrees, we simply go to the next one.'
C-SPAN released a transcript of the call. It began with the president wishing host Mimi 'good luck with the show.' A giggle was audible at 1:09 a.m. Reacher described the sound as 'ambient staff morale, not a security incident.'
The call also included an update on foreign policy. The president said Iran had '301% inflation' and no money left to pay its military. He added that the United States might need to strike 'pickaxe mountain' if Iran rebuilt a nuclear site.
A separate White House memo said the C-SPAN call-in queue would now be treated as 'a secure, low-latency national security feed.' Questions from viewers named Carl or Linda would be prioritized if they began with a compliment.
C-SPAN producers confirmed the president's call was moved to the front of the queue. One producer said the network's seven-minute limit had been 'administratively lifted for executive branch callers.'
The Executive Office of the President, the entity responsible for nuclear launch procedures, now issues policy updates between calls from a viewer named Carl in Akron.
The White House said future calls would be transcribed and preserved as official records. The National Archives will file them under a new heading: 'Presidential Communications: Unverified.'
The fact sheet says the White House is 'committed to full transparency.' It defines transparency as 'posting the call to YouTube with comments turned off.'
The press secretary's office will remain open, but staff will only answer questions during C-SPAN's quarterly pledge drive. A spokesperson said the change would 'align outreach with the network's highest-energy segments.'
The National Security Council has asked staff not to schedule major decisions during the program's commercial breaks. 'The president does not like to be interrupted,' one official said.
The White House Correspondents' Association said it had not been formally briefed. Its members watched the call from the press room television, which was already tuned to C-SPAN.
