The Department of Justice formally confirmed Wednesday that the phrase "Epstein investigation" carries no official meaning and must be re-filed using the Bureau's standard intake form before any further discussion can occur. The clarification came during a Senate appropriations hearing where Attorney General Todd Blanch advised lawmakers that the department operates on clear, defined terms and could not be expected to respond to vague historical references.
"We can't investigate what we can't define," Blanch explained. "That's not obstruction. That's discipline. If the Senate wishes to bring a matter to our attention, they are welcome to do so through proper channels." Blanch added that the Epstein matter, whatever it might refer to, had not been flagged in the department's current threat matrix and might be better suited for a local field office.
A Justice Department memo released after the hearing clarified that any crime connected to the late financier should be treated as a brand new lead and submitted via the online tip portal, where it would be triaged by an automated system with a median response time of 14 months. The memo, titled "Ensuring Investigatory Freshness and Preventing Prejudicial Terminology," instructed all personnel to avoid presuming the subject matter of any tip that has not yet been entered into the system.
Senator Jeff Merkley noted that the department's position represented a "significant departure from the English language" but said he would comply. He later submitted a seven-page filing requesting the department acknowledge that a person named Jeffrey Epstein once existed. That request was returned with a note asking Merkley to specify which Jeffrey Epstein he meant and whether the inquiry was criminal, civil, or merely historical.
The hearing grew tense when Blanch was asked whether convicted child sex abusers would be blocked from a newly established victim compensation fund. Blanch said the department did not want to prejudge anyone's eligibility and would review applications on a case-by-case basis, ideally within three years. "Fairness is a process," he said. "And process takes time."
Wimpy Donnie Dipshit's administration has maintained that the departure of former Attorney General Pam Bondi resolved all outstanding questions about the matter. When asked why the Senate insisted on revisiting settled history, White House Press Secretary Harrison Fields described the persistence as "a little weird" and suggested reporters focus on the president's upcoming infrastructure week.
At the close of the hearing, Blanch offered a final recommendation. "If you think a crime occurred, go to the FBI. If you think it occurred again, go to the FBI again. We are the FBI. That is where crimes go." He then exited through a side door as staffers distributed a one-page guide titled "Submitting an Epstein-Related Inquiry: Yes, It's a Blank Form."
