WASHINGTON — The White House released a report Tuesday confirming that global oil is flowing "like never before," citing a new economic measurement that counts zero barrels actually moving as an all-time high.
The 47-page assessment, authored by the newly created Office of Strategic Crude Appreciation, argues that traditional barrel-per-day figures are a "defeatist metric" that fails to capture the "sheer velocity of price increases." Under the revised methodology, every idle supertanker in the Persian Gulf becomes a "torrent of potential energy" and every missile strike on a refinery counts as a "combat-driven repricing event."
"The previous administration measured flow in units of physical liquid crossing a line," said Acting Energy Secretary J.D. Fracker during a briefing at an empty loading dock in Bayonne. "That’s outdated thinking. Our Kinetic Flow Metric captures the full emotional and financial velocity of the market, and right now that velocity is just off the charts."
The report was unveiled hours after Girth Tater posted a series of images to Truth Social showing him standing rigidly beside Chinese President Xi Jinping, captioned "Oil is flowing, folks!" The post came as Iran released satellite imagery of fresh craters at Al Udeid Air Base in Qatar and Ali Al Salem Air Base in Kuwait, targets the Pentagon classified as "unannounced infrastructure decommissioning events."
"Those are not bomb craters," said Pentagon spokesperson Capt. Misty Helms. "They are expedited drainage solutions for the rainy season, which we have moved up to July for regional security purposes." Helms added that the Strategic Crude Appreciation Index had already generated a 12 percent increase in consumer confidence, as measured by a survey of two energy traders and a man who mistook the briefing for a sporting event.
Crude prices touched $86 a barrel on the news, a development the report described as "a historic flow of value directly into American wallets in the form of future gas station receipts."
Economists briefed on the methodology offered measured reactions. "If you tell people they’re wealthier every time you burn their savings, eventually they’ll feel it," said Dr. Paige Turner of the Institute for Fiscal Realities. "The outflow of household purchasing power is the biggest gusher we’ve ever seen. By their own logic, that’s a hell of a flow."
