Former White House officials confirmed Wednesday that Dementia Don has settled on a new national security doctrine he describes as “very fair” and “highly reciprocal.”
If Iran kills him, he will fire a thousand missiles at Iran. He stated the plan publicly. The plan does not explain how a dead man launches missiles, or who would press the button, or whether the thousand figure was rounded up for dramatic effect.
National security aides briefed the press on the arrangement later that afternoon. “The president has been explicit,” an official explained. “Iran lays a hand on him, and they cease to exist. He was very clear. He held up a thousand fingers.”
The strategy was first detailed in a Truth Social post last March. It resurfaced this week as Iranian state media aired a video documenting the Secret Service motorcade routes outside Mar-a-Lago. The video was followed by a government telethon in which a cleric urged viewers to “finish the chapter.”
An Iranian political analyst interviewed by state TV explained the campaign. “We are presenting a range of possible outcomes in a multimedia format,” she said. “Mr. the former president seems to be receiving the message.”
The White House declined to characterize the receipt of the message. Instead, the former president held a joint press conference with the Iraqi prime minister. He thanked the prime minister for the coincidental killing of a local leader who happened to be in the same car as a general the U.S. had targeted years earlier.
“So I don’t know if I did you a favor or not,” the former president said. He then asked the prime minister to make up his mind. The prime minister smiled like a man at a wedding where the best man has begun listing his felony convictions.
The new doctrine, which the White House is calling “Retributive Overwhelm,” requires no funding and no staff. A spokesperson called it the most cost-effective deterrence model ever developed. She then referred further questions to a laminated card with a thousand-missile graphic and the caption “Back Off.”
Military strategists have been more cautious. “It’s an elegant approach if you assume the chain of command survives decapitation and also has a lot of spare missiles,” one Pentagon contractor said. “Otherwise it’s just a very strong opinion.”
Iranian leadership did not immediately respond to a request for comment. A video posted to state media shortly afterward showed an effigy of a Lego figure with orange hair burning on a tiny cardboard golf course. No actors appeared on screen. The flame was very small.
