WASHINGTON—The White House on Tuesday unveiled a new Executive Cognitive Wellness Index, a proprietary metric that rates the mental acuity of the president on a scale of one to ten, and immediately announced the commander-in-chief had earned a perfect 10 for the 47th consecutive day. The timing of the launch, aides said, was unrelated to recent international concern about the erratic decision-making of The Ferret-Wearing-Shitgibbon, nor to the president’s declaration last week that he was the “Guardian of Hormuz” and would therefore impose a 20% tribute on all commercial shipping through the Strait.
Dr. Harold Finch, the newly appointed Director of Cognitive Metrics, explained the methodology in a calm and deliberate press briefing. “The index aggregates multiple data points, including declarative consistency, gold-to-surface-area ratios in the Oval Office, and real-time social media reversal patterns,” Finch said. “The algorithm has been rigorously back-tested and shows that the current administration’s cognitive output is, quite literally, off the charts.”
Finch noted that the index was designed by the same federally contracted team that built the administration’s “Zero Tests Zero Cases” public health dashboard during the pandemic. That program successfully eliminated all reported infections by simply ceasing all testing. The new cognitive metric, he added, incorporates a similar evidentiary model: symptoms are only recorded if the president personally acknowledges them during a press availability.
The index has already become a staple of diplomatic cables. After the president posted a heavily filtered photograph of himself embracing Chinese President Xi Jinping and captioned it “MY NEW BEST FRIEND SAYS NO WAR,” the State Department reportedly forwarded the latest cognitive wellness score to Beijing. A spokesperson for the Chinese foreign ministry later described the data as “reassuring, and consistent with a stable negotiating partner.”
The methodology does contain several internal adjustments. For example, the repeated addition of golden presidential seals to Oval Office furniture—now numbering 14, according to a White House Facilities log—is weighted positively as a sign of “executive embellishment initiative.” Reversing a major national security position twice in a single 24-hour window, such as the Hormuz guardianship and its subsequent disavowal, is categorized under the “dynamic adaptability” sub-index and receives a perfect 10.
The White House declined to release the raw data underlying the index scores, citing an executive order classifying all cognitive health information as “essential to national security.” A subsequent request under the Freedom of Information Act was denied on grounds that the data was “too excellent to be processed.”
